Life On Pause
by Malachite
Summary: Seifer comes home to find his lover Squall on the computer again.  Squall shares some of his past memories of his life being "on pause" at night.  Work in Progress; If I get feedback I could write a lot more.   YAOI


Life On Pause

Author's Notes: Final Fantasy VIII and all of its characters are SquareEnix's. Characters may be somewhat OOC as they're around their early twenties now and have matured somewhat.

He was up still, messing around on his notebook computer. The new one with the touch-screen that converts into a tablet. I sigh and shake my head a little, stepping out of my shoes and shrugging out of my jacket as I walk towards him. "Honey, you need to get to bed."

"Can't." He was in single-word mode, not a good sign. He must be totally exhausted.

"Why?" I unbutton my shirt and toss it aside, followed by my slacks. Clad only in my boxers and tank top, I very lightly place a hand on his shoulder.

He closes his eyes briefly, shivering in that silent way that only I could notice. He always got the shivers when he was faced with a feeling he enjoyed. "Memories," he muttered, his nose crinkling up as he said it.

I sighed again and did my best to hug him around the shoulders, which was incredibly awkward as he was curled up in a chair with his feet on his desk. "Squally…." A thought hit me and I narrowed my gaze thoughtfully. "How many nights have you spent like this in the past?" I gently rubbed the back of his neck where I knew he liked it, hoping to coax more than a single word out of him.

"I dunno, since I had a computer in my room?" His eyes got a far-off look. "I mean, it was my escape, my exploration, my communication, my way to be myself. When it was all dark and I would quietly read stories to myself, I wouldn't feel as lonely. I mean, yeah, it made me wistful and sad I didn't have that, but…at least someone somewhere at sometime did, you know?" He closed his eyes, shivering again as he took his feet off of the desk and curled up further into the chair. "I mean, I couldn't be happy, so the next best thing was living vicariously through others." He tilted his head back. "When I'm all alone in the dark, it doesn't matter that I am socially retarded. It doesn't matter that I can't make any real close friends. Nothing matters….it puts my life on pause. And I like being on pause." He opened his eyes and stared through the high windows bordering the top of the wall, gazing at the deep night sky. "No one gets hurt when my life is on pause. I don't need friends. I don't need love. I don't need anything."

My heart aches for him. He's gone through so many years of being alone and being hurt. I squeeze his hand tightly in mine, hoping he can feel my emotions through the act. After a few seconds he squeezes back, and then uses me to pull himself out of the chair. He trips on my sock-clad foot and stumbles, but I catch him and hold him tightly against me. He's a little cold, despite it being summer. But then again, he does love his air condition. "Squall…"

He buries his face in my shoulder, nose pressed up against my neck as he mumbles softly, almost childishly. "I'm totally socially retarded still." I hold him tighter, rubbing his back with my right hand. "I mean, acing classes comes naturally to me. Research is a cinch. Being cold and professional is a snap. Even being creative and thinking up plans can be my forte. But…friendships?" His voice cracks on the last word and I lightly press a chaste kiss on the top of his head. "No one ever teaches you how to make friends. Or even if they do, people don't react in expected ways. It just…ugh…" His arms wrap around me tightly as he squeezes his eyes shut tightly. I can feel his eyes watering up with unshed heated tears of frustration. "How can I be this old, this educated, this successful, and still not be able to say a simple hello to someone I don't know?"

Another painful pang hits my heart as I feel his hurt. I've known him since he was a kid; we grew up together, so I can understand him. Well, more importantly, he trusts me and reveals his true self to me. I know that the others grew up with him too but he always kept them at an arm's length. I've gotten to see his passion, his pain, his rage, and his fears. And you know what? He's beautiful inside, and no one can see that. They don't bother to see that. No wonder the poor boy found solace in escaping from reality.

"Squall, baby, I love you…and I think your personality is fine. You're…" Unfortunately, my comforting words were interrupted by a very loud and very prolonged grumbling from my stomach.

There was a long drawn out silence as Squall pulled back a bit, left eyebrow arched. Finally he smiled and shook his head in humor and disbelief. "Hungry, huh? You need to eat something…come on, there's some leftover biscuits. You can have those and a glass of milk"

My beautiful Squall. It took me so long to finally help him be able to be himself around me. He was so standoffish and stiff with everyone else, but around me he would smile, lean into my touch, and even laugh sometimes. I wish the world could see the real Squall, underneath the ice. I wonder what would happen if they knew that Squall had every single yaoi manga published? Or that he would always daydream of crashing into the perfect boy and falling into love at first sight? No one else but me heard him quietly confess that he would love to make out in the warm summer rain. It was only me who was there when he quiveringly talked about how desperately he needed someone he could talk to and trust. I was honored to be that person to him. I couldn't make the world love Squall, but I could love him, and show him that love. I was going to be here for him no matter what.

I twist my platinum wedding band, a twin of his, and quietly wish that if for some reason I am taken away from him, that he remain safe. Please, let him not be alone. Please, let him be happy and content. Please…let me stay by his side forever.

Author's Notes: Reviews, anyone? Please?


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